Coming out

 I just remembered something as I was coming back after I had gotten my brother out of another mess I saw Cadance and shining armor pass by on a coach. The look in her eyes was hurt as I had missed the wedding. My brother still acting goofy thought would cover for him again. I told him when I see my friends that I would come clean about the messes I got him out of and all the accuses I had made for not being at certain events. On the way back to ponyville me and my brother had gotten into a heated exchange. He would always guilt trip me into covering for him or promise him something. It wasn't easy to tell Twi and company where i had been and what happened. How close he and I had been to death. The sheer disappointment on their faces made me want to cry. Afterwards they had wanted to talk amongst themselves. I was worried that they didn't want to be friends with me after all this because of all the excuses.   I had teleported away towards one of AJ outward sheds in the back of her property. I created a opaque field and as part that field I made it so no one could hear me. I cried and I cried till Twi broke through my field. All my friends were there and they hugged me. They told me that they forgave me and that everything would be ok.

Unpleasant training gaining perspective

 GM wanted to teach me perspective on what it was like to be male and to understand them better by forcing me to become one. I really didn't like it and it didn't feel right. I spent about a 6 months and had my mindset altered too for experience. I can remember telling others that i was the son of Celestia. Though times I would remember being female but it like trying to grasp at air. GM reverted me back. Its like I was watching someone use my body and i was along for the ride. She took an alternate me and brought him in. Merged the two of together thus letting me have that experience but also letting him of that same experience as a mare for a different perspective. Gm returned the both to our realities. How GM did this was it was an alternate self was teaching her student a new perspective. I didn't like it one bit but it gave me what i needed to learn about males.    

Training by Great Mother

 I was teenage filly when i was trained in various ways of disabling enemies. GM felt the best way to train against something was to actually face it directly. There are some memories when i think of them left terrified beyonds words. I can face it but it scares me to the core. Darkness not abstract concept of something without light. This is a thing that corrupts everything in it wake. GM would always watch and intervene at the last second if i failed to defend myself. It wasn't easy. It felt like diving into cold water and you feel like you can't breath. Like very life is being sucked out of you. To defend yourself you must embrace your own darkness and find balance within yourself. Your light won't be extinguished. Doesn't mean I wasn't hurt by any of these experiences.I used to cry myself to sleep from missing home plus getting hurt by all the training majordomo of GM was teaching me fighting styles. He was tough and yet fair to a degree. He didn't like it when i cried but over time that went away. And I became better at defending myself from both magic and physical attacks. I remember i had question for gm one day "What was it like to be her?" She showed me with guiding presence. She showed me earth and let me experience everything at once for only a second. I was literally everything on that world from the trees to the lowest life form all within a second. It overwhelmed me but she helped me process all the information and understand it over time. Funny thing was all of this was a span of 3 to 4 year equestrian time when actually it felt like i had been for thousands of years. Most of what i had learned I didn't want those powers or the advanced abilities that came from them. I still don't them. To be like GM and my answer is no.So when people are so obsessed with ascending to a higher plane and they so willing to give up on family or friends. Then I would its really not worth it. That's just my point of view. 

The many places i was sent to. I was sent there to solve a problem and in many cases I came away with children of my own. Since i could travel in time thanks to what GM taught me. Learning about magic was an extreme passion of mine and was done on my own time. I would always be careful not to leave any traces of myself for others to follow me. I learned from gm how to shift my form from one thing to another. The core you would always stay the same just shifting your vibration slightly would allow you to take on different forms. Many unicorns and other of the same family have learned to shape shift something the changelings do on a whole different level. But i digress getting off topic. Life wasn't easy under GM's tutelage. When i returned to Equestria I did so because it was my own choice to leave. GM left me go and told me if wanted to go down that path in the future it would be there for me. To become like her. I told her that wasn't for me and it didn't feel right. To that she smiled at me. Like she knew it could end this way. She was a hard yet fair teacher. Confusing as hell.  

One last thing my brother Emerald had the same training as i did,

Old Memories New Details

 Sunny and I were coming home from her house. We were joking around and laughing. I'm telling really bad jokes. Mom(twilight velvet was going meet us. There lots ponies on that bridge day. I just remember hearing a cracking like something was falling apart. I don’t know what had me think of flying under the bridge . Sunny followed me as we could see cracks forming . I could see the terrified look on my friends face. Without thinking I tried to use my magic to hold up the bridge I was barely able to hold it. I turned to sunny and told her to get everyone off the bridge. While at the same time I could feel my horn hurting so much. I remember screaming in pain. Then there was this strange booming sound and it’s like sudden in flux of magic. I felt like I could do anything and holding the bridge up was easy. I also wanted to keep everyone safe twilight velvet (mom)was on that bridge too. So magic was going through me. Then the magic was gone in a flash. I passed out. Only to wake up in a hospital bed. The room was an off color light blue with a small bed side table along with a small chair right across from the bed. There was also another chair off to the left. When I woke up the lights were out and it was dark outside I could barely see. Right across the room was a unicorn and on my left I knew someone was there. At that moment I felt drained like ever mussel in my body ached and I felt so I tired. I was scared but comforting feeling over came me and I soon fell asleep. I was in the hospital for over a week and half. From  what i can remember the doctor had said Sunny had saved my life and that I had magic exhaustion . I had my mark though I couldn't fly or use magic for the next three weeks. Sunny and my other friends would often visit me. I also got scolded from both my sets of parents along with my siblings Dash,Twi and Shining.

Home

 My house in town. It has a short roof on it with navy blue siding with door that is painted off color white. Its next to the tea shop in the center of town.I  When I'm working in clouds dale I have a small small apartment in the sky district.I just remembered the name of the street. Horse shoe lane. I can see the sign I can make out of the other signs but they are blurry. The farmer's market is on the west side of town. I would often for go teleporting there or flying preferring just to walk there sometimes. Sometimes i would see Aj selling her apples there. She had the best apples in all of equestria. Sweet and crunchy. Sometimes walking past her farm I could smell the apples on the wind.

Quest for finding Emerald

 The idea how I incarnate was planned . That everything was random was false. This was a plan from the get go events were arranged to the best of our abilities. Some of the events that happened to me growing up were unplanned. Twi and bunch of us had one mission to bring Emerald home. The idea was once I found him we would be extracted by one of two ways either through the dream realm or in the physical domain both failed. It leaves the only is to live out our lives here. I never thought that I would meet other Equestrians here and some would become my dearest friends. Regardless when we pass we are going home. The reason I was packed to go was because I had experience because I’ve been incarnated before. Things never go as planned. I don’t think the girls are going to give up.

Connections

 Something I remembered from the time I spent in the sanctuary I was bullied by the other foals as I wasn't as tall as they were. I was different than they were.i just remembered it took me a long time to heal from that experience. Even my mom soul sharing with her friends to give us all the stable families to grow up in. I was new to the whole thing. I thought i was a burden to them both Windy Whistles and Bow and the Sparkle clan. I used to cry a lot. They opened up there hearts. I gained family and friends. Twilight Velvet used to help me fall sleep. Twi ,Shining and Rainbow gained 5 new siblings and they opened their hearts. When i once was talking to him I was saying how i was damaged and he got really angry told that wasn't damaged. I guess i still carry the hurt around with me. I just buried it and tried to move on from it. Twi once climbed into bed with me as I was crying once. This when Twi was filly way before she became my mother student. I relative terms I was only a year or two older than Twi. Its hard to type it. I can still feel the hurt.